
A tough gig...
A London junior school assembly, 9am. Despite my daughter Emma’s strict instructions not to wave, smile or look in her direction, I know that unless I find her in a sea of five hundred little faces I’ll suffer the consequences. As “Akala”, a former pupil who now runs acclaimed artistic group “Hiphop Shakespeare” raps words from the Bard’s plays, frantically and through dirty contact lenses I scan the room: finally I see my progeny hiding her face in embarrassment. Last year the school asked if I’d speak at another assembly, about being a published author. I promised Emma then that I wouldn’t mention the fact I’m her father; unfortunately Mark, the school’s popular and dynamic head, pointed her out as she froze in mortification. (Later she said my speech was “tedious, like soooo boring,” but to my joy one of her friends said I was “awesome”). This time round, to both mine and Emma’s relief, the head doesn’t ask me to speak; as Akala (Kingslee Daley) tests the kids out on whether the lyrics he’s reciting are by Eminem or Shakespeare (I get it wrong) Emma even manages a secret smile in my direction. Maybe this won’t be such a bad day after all? At this moment another parent, who helped organise the “save our library” event at which I spoke on Saturday, enters the packed hall and hands me several copies of my own books, which I’d left on a stall in the forlorn hope that sales might help with the campaign. As I have no bag on me, I’ll have to carry my books around all day in a precarious, humbling tower.
As I line up in the playground with the group of Year 6’s I’ll be attempting to help, their teacher, Ben – who must be twenty years younger and six inches taller than me – makes a special announcement:
“Wonderful news, children. Today, our guest is an actual author who has had a real novel published! Maybe you can ask them how they managed to get their book into print and find out all about being a genuine writer!” Mentally I polish my nails on my jumper. Ben smiles in my direction as he continues.
“I’m pleased to announce that none other than T____ C________ will be joining us very shortly!”
My smile fades. TC is not only far more successful than I am; she was also at Saturday’s “save our library!” event, after which she got a mention on the BBC - whereas I didn’t. She was also in Sunday’s Sunday Times, handing out books on the tube as part of an ongoing (and frankly bewildering) “let’s give books away for free!” campaign.
As we enter the classroom, projected on the large screen at the front is the iconic cover of TC’s book, with its banner heading: “New York Times bestseller”. As the kids sit and wait expectantly to meet a living, breathing author, the head, Mark, enters and wanders over.
Mark: “Thanks for helping out, um... I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.”
Me: “It’s Mark.”
Mark: “Mark, that’s it. And you’re a.. journalist aren’t you?” A tad grumpily I slap my hand on my the pile of books. “And author.”
Mark looks down; probably he imagines I carry a pile of my own books everywhere I go, to try and justify my existence. He smiles sadly.
“An ‘author’, yes... Ben, could I have a word?”
When Ben comes back, I imagine the head must have filled him in on the fact that TC isn’t the only famous author in town – in fact, there’s one here not just to give a little talk, but to help the kids write. All day. Ben comes over.
“So, Mark, what made you decide you’d like to help the class out today..?”
Through gritted teeth I start to explain to Ben that I’m a published author. Once again I tap my pile of books, which Ben looks down on with an expression of regret.
TC enters in a cloud of good perfume and an air of uninterrupted accomplishment. As I watch morosely from the rear, in her patient American accent TC explains to the children how she’d only expected to sell oh, thirty copies of her book. She seems to be looking directly at me, hiding behind a pile of my own unsold books, when she continues,
“So as you can imagine, it’s a wonderful feeling to have sold over four million copies of this title alone...”
From her bag TC takes out some of the international editions of her book (which is, needless to say, also a major film):
“So here’s the Hebrew edition, look, you start reading at the back! And one of the Polish editions and – oh look, here’s a Korean edition, this is fun...” The children pass round copies of her books as I look up at the ceiling. When she’s finished and is about to leave, I smile at the famous author:
“You spoke at the library event on Saturday. So did I.”
The great author smiles wanly and is gone.
Despite everything it’s a fun day; the kids are bright, funny and have far too much ability for my liking. None seem in need of my advice and I’m reduced to thumbing through copies of my own books and looking out the window, and up at the clock, wishing I could go home: just like being back in school. At one point a kid confesses that his mum read one of my books; his eyes drop, as if to spare me any further misery, and I don’t push him further.
As three thirty finally arrives, Ben asks the children to give me a round of applause:
“Mark has given up his whole day to be here, when he could have been home writing or... watching telly or whatever... so, Mark, do you think you’ll be joining us tomorrow?”
“No,” I snap, perhaps a little too quickly, “I have too much to do.” Which is true. What, miss “Loose Women” two days running? Some of us have lives, you know...
Mark
Mark is the author of Fire Horses and Out of Office